The Lords of Salem Review: Rob Zombie tries to be Kubrick, doesn't pull it off

Dir. Rob Zombie
101 Minutes
Rated R

(Sorry if this review is too vague!)

Besides the Halloween movies, which were just alright, I've pretty much loved everything Rob Zombie has ever done, music or otherwise.  His first two movies, House of 1000 Corpses and its sequel The Devil's Rejects are in my mind two of the scariest horror movies of recent memory, and introduced this gang of terrifying, and somehow likable, degenerates to the genre.  All the main cast members of the 'Firefly' family were amazing in their roles and should go down as one of the scariest horror families ever put to screen (I'd even rank it up there with the Sawyer family from Texas Chainsaw Massacre).  So, I was pumped before seeing this.  It was Rob going back to doing original movies (no remakes or sequels or any of that bullshit).  I'd kept up with all the news about the film as it was coming out, then an awesome trailer came out, and I got even more psyched.  How could this go wrong?  Rob Zombie given unlimited creative control, going back to his roots?  Sign me up.  Well, it pains me to say this as someone who will probably be a Rob Zombie follower until the guy croaks, but this is one of the worst things he's ever put out.

The plot follows Heidi (Sheri Moon Zombie), a radio DJ from Salem, Massachusetts, who receives a strange looking record in the mail, containing within it a song from 'The Lords.'  When played, the freaky tune that emerges forth releases the evil Salem witches unto the world again, to possess and kill all the women of Salem.  Or is it all just a fantasy created in Sheri Moon's head?  Or is it a combination of the two?  Or is it just a pathetic Kubrick rip-off?  That last one is the right answer.  

First off, the positive things.  It's still got that "gritty" feel we've come to love from Mr. Zombie.  It has some great music too, go figure (the score was done by Rob's guitarist, John 5).  And Sheri Moon Zombie is still attractive.  But this story just didn't meld well with Rob's style.  This idea requires a patient, subtle hand behind the camera - this slow burn horror type of movie that Rosemary's Baby and The Shining pulled off perfectly.  But everything right from the beginning was so in-your-face that tonally it didn't make sense (and the ending is so nonsensical and badly put together it was laughable).  It just seemed like Rob added in anything and everything that he thought was "cool" without actually crafting interesting characters or a plot.  His style is fit for the 70's Grindhouse type flicks, but not this.  Thoroughly disappointing.  But I still love Rob Zombie.

Rating: D+


BONUS: Related Internet Video

Here's an interview with Rob from HuffPost Live, about the movie and his love of mentally scarring people!