Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Top Ten: (Bat-shit) Insane Batman Movie Moments

With the final film in Christopher Nolan's amazing Dark Knight trilogy nearly here (and while my body shakes with violent nerdgasms), I thought it might be fun if I compiled a list of the top ten crazy, WTF moments in the Batman movie universe.

10.  Fine children's entertainment
Batman Begins (2005)

Let's have a night on the town with our young son, Bruce.  What should we take him to dear?  Oh, we could see a family-friendy musical like Cats or Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!  No dear, why don't we take our 10 year old not only to the most MENTALLY SCARRING AND TERRIFYINGLY INSANE show we can find, but one that prominently features bats, the creatures that very recently attacked him after his traumatic experience falling down a well...(good thinking Mr./Mrs. Wayne).

Sure it may not be the craziest Batman moment, but something from Nolan's 'verse had to be here, and I couldn't just include stuff from Batman & Robin.

9.  Robin doing his laundry
Batman Forever (1995)

What better way to showcase the acrobatic skills of a brand-new character than to have him do household chores...radically.  If anyone questioned the inclusion of Robin before this, certainly this scene reassured them that this was a story that needed to be told.

8. The Bat Credit Card
Batman and Robin (1997)

Poison Ivy, the sluttiest of Batman's adversaries, will do whatever it takes to win over the affection of the dark knight and his boy toy- I mean sidekick- Robin in order to literally give them the kiss of death.  The two, unable to resist her charms, try to one-up each other in one of the most ridiculous exchanges ever in a superhero movie, culminating in the Bat Credit Card.

7. The bat-nipple suit
Batman Forever (1995)

For almost 60 years, batman had been a good, not great superhero.  Various comic books, movie serials, television shows, movies: all tried and failed to figure out what makes the dark knight work as a hero.  Then, the brilliant Joel Schumacher comes forward with his interpretation of the caped crusader and gives us the answer as to how to make Batman the Batman: bat-nipples. Lightbulbs went off and Bob Kane gave himself a revelatory head-smack.  Finally, what we all wanted - NIPPLES on the the bat suit.  Thank you for your wonderful contribution, Joel.

6. "Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb."
Batman (1966)

Oh, Adam West.  While being primarily what hurled Batman into the public consciousness, he also kind of ruined a dark, rich character until Tim Burton took charge in 1989.  Here is a moment that has spawned memes across the internet: the infamous bomb scene.  

5.  Dat Ass
Batman Forever (1997)

(Takes off glasses, facepalms).  I just...why?  I seriously have no idea what they were thinking!  There is no possible explanation for the bat-butt zoom-in.  If you try to find one, your head will cave in and you will spontaneously start bleeding everywhere.

4. "Could be worse! My nose could be gushing blood!"
Batman Returns (1992)

Danny DeVito does not get enough credit for his amazing performance as the short, fat, umbrella-loving sonofabitch known as The Penguin.  In an out-of-nowhere moment, Mr. Cobblepott, while trying to run for mayor, makes what he thinks is a joke by biting a man's nose causing it to gush blood!  

3.  Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, Monkey-fresh Bane
Batman and Robin (1998)

Bane is one of Batman's biggest, baddest enemies in the comics, notorious for being the one guy who figures out Bruce Wayne's true identity and breaks the dark knight's back!  He's a criminal mastermind, who spent his childhood raised in a prison cell and can out think, out smart, and out play Bats...except in this pile of shit movie.  Essentially dethroned to a position of Poison Ivy's mindless drone, Joel Schumacher basically took the concept of Bane, dropped trou', and took a nice Cleveland Steamer all over it.  The tipping point for me: Bane in a monkey suit.

2.  Mr. Freeze's Choir Practice?  WTF?
Batman and Robin (1997)

Mr. Freeze is possibly one of Batman's most sympathetic villains.  While he may want to wreck havoc on Gotham, he just wants to get the love of his life back, preserving her body in some kind of cold liquid.  As interesting a villain as he could have been, Mr. Freeze is a goofy, pun-spitting Arnold in an excessive chrome suit.  The tipping point of craziness for me might be this scene, where Arnold, complete with polar bear slippers, conducts his minions to sing along to one of the Burl Ives Christmas Specials.   

1.  Shark Attack!
Batman (1966)

Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb - or your inflatable pool toys.  Yes, Adam West had to really test his strength while confronting the most dangerous undersea creature known to man: the cheap rubber shark pool toy.  There's camp, then there's this.  It's because of ludicrous moments like these that we can appreciate the Nolan-verse so much more, yet the randomness of this shark is somehow joyous.  It may undermine a whole mythology and a rich character, but it's damn funny.

There you have it.  You better see The Dark Knight Rises.  I'm all primed with my IMAX midnight premiere tickets and simply cannot wait for this film that will hopefully be devoid of any bat-nipples or ice puns.

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